Fear Not

Scanxiety: I used this word in my blog introduction. Several scans have come and gone since then. The reports have been very encouraging, profound even. But here I am, just days before my next scans, and I am a mess. I am afraid. Terrified. I fight the fear, grasp for normalcy. I read. I cook. I exercise. I hold my grandson. I remain productive in my job. I go to church, engage in Bible study. I do laundry. I play Wordle. I read past journal entries reminding me of my journey, the beauty of God’s presence even on my darkest days. And just as quickly as peace begins to wash over me, the fear returns. It is physical, my heart races and I tremble.

We all experience fear in life. All of us. Sorry to say, but if you haven’t, your day is coming.  Many times, the things we fear never come to pass. Sometimes the news was better than expected, our prayers are answered. But at times, the scenario we dread becomes the reality. Living in fear and acknowledging it are not the same. I wish I could just say, “choose not to live in fear” and end this post, but that is not realistic.

I think back to the last cancer recurrence in the spring of 2020. A day when fear became reality to manage. If you read my Day One post, you probably thought it was strange to read that I praised the Lord on one of my worst days I want you to know that praise in that moment did not look like you might think. Praising Him on that day looked like me curled up on my bed, trying to get myself into such a small ball that I would just evaporate and escape the dread and disbelief. It was trusting Him with my raw honesty; telling Him I cannot do this. Telling Him I don’t want to do this. Praise on that day was claiming that the same God who blessed me is the same God who allowed my illness. Praising Him on that day was trusting Him with my life, whether or not healing would be mine. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. The fear is back. I take a deep breath. I tell Him I am afraid. I thank Him for bringing me this far. And I offer up my praise and ask Him for help.

Today I work from home until late in the afternoon when I will go into work for some meetings that would spill into the evening. I battle my fear all day. I focus on projects, the fear abates. Transition to the next project, the fear bursts through. I pray. I cry. I even start to think about calling the cancer center to see if I can move up my scan appointment. I talk to God about it. “Is it okay if I try to get an earlier appointment? Am I just trying to control things I should leave to You? Is my faith weak if I move them up? Shouldn’t I be able to trust and wait?” “Oh, child,” He reminds me, “I want your faith to be in who I am. Your belief in My way reconciles you to me. You cannot do anything to earn my love, to experience my miracles. I understand why you are afraid. I won’t hold anything back from you. Even if waiting and wrestling would be good for you, I will not alter my plans for you because of what you do or don’t do.” He does not want me to suffer. He knows my fear is real and that I am trying to be faithful. My heart believes in miracles even when my mind struggles. So, I pray, “Lord, if there is a way, I know you will make it. Help me to accept whatever I find out.” I call. They can see me several days earlier!  For a few moments I am joyful. I feel seen and protected. And then, in a matter of minutes, my frail mind gives into fear again. Scans are now just a few days away! No time to sit in this fear, however as it is now it is time to go into the office.

I put on my game face and get through my first meetings. Around 5:00, Eddie, the custodian, comes into my office to collect my trash. Eddie’s first language is not English. He always has a big smile on his face. Our typical conversation goes like this: “Hi, Eddie, how are you?” He flashes a huge smile, puts his hands together as if to pray, bows and says “Thank you Jesus. God bless!” Every. Single. Time. He goes on his way. I realize I have a little break between workday meetings and the evening meetings. I decide to go grab a bite to eat. It is already dark and cold and because I arrived so late, I am parked a little too far away to walk safely my usual path, so I decide to walk through the building to an exit closer to my car. As I enter part of this different path, I see Eddie. I am prepared to smile and nod since we have just hours before exchanged pleasantries. However, as I look at Eddie, I don’t see his big smile. He looks at me pensively, points an authoritative (but not accusatory) finger at me and says in very clear English, “Fear is the enemy’s greatest weapon.” My smile fades. I am stunned. Tears well up in my eyes and it is obvious that I am fighting to contain my composure. His smile returns and he says, “Come, I walk with you.” He is able to convey in broken English a few relevant and powerful scriptures. He tells me fear can affect my mind and body. I am near weeping now and manage to say, “How did you know?” He smiles again and points upward… “I don’t know. He knows.” I say thank you and goodnight. He says “Thank you Jesus. God bless!” Eddie has no idea what kind of fear gripped me. I am a very private person and have not, at this point, told anyone on staff (save for one dear friend), that scans are coming.

I leave the building and I am weeping before I even get to my car. Once I am there, I sob and laugh at the same time. In the church world, we say that Eddie “operates in the prophetic.” He has a track record for accurate visions. I wish his word for me tonight was that I had nothing to worry about! What he did speak was truth. Entertaining my fears and letting them take up residence in my mind, doesn’t leave a lot of room for me to focus on the truth. And the truth is that I am loved, I am blessed. No matter my circumstances, I can trust God. I marvel at the kindness of God. He is so sweet. He ordered my steps to be in that place and time and gave Eddie a word to speak over me. God reminded me that He is as near as my breath. Watching my comings and goings. Caring for me. Seeing me. I cannot escape His love.

As I write this part of the post, I am awaiting my scans. I am nervous, but not undone. I am hopeful. I am soothed knowing the Lord has shown me that He saw me in my fear, He will certainly hold my hand in these scans. He will steady me when the results pop into my My Chart account. No matter what the news today, I am not alone. I pray “I trust that You know what is best not just for me, but for the way my story fits into Your grand plan for humanity. Even if I don’t care for the way you are orchestrating it, I can trust it. And I know you will continue to show me your presence along the way. But, God, this is me, your child, your daughter, could you please give me another good report? Please?”

I was compelled to expose my frailty in this post because I think too many times we talk about, we “post” only the good things. Perhaps as Christians, we too often talk about experiencing difficult seasons where everything eventually turned out okay. While those stories are beautiful, in this broken world, happy endings are not always the reality. Sometimes tragedy happens, hearts break. And that is where faith says, “No matter my circumstances, I trust you, Lord. Even when I am having a hard time believing your ways are best.”  Living between the scans means living it all. The joys, the pains, the fear. The days when I get it right, the days when I get it wrong. Not every day is a bucket list kind of day when you live between the scans. But every day I do thank the Lord that I am still here, and I try to trust Him. As I sit here in the cancer center waiting for my turn, I am afraid. But I will focus on all that is lovely, all that is worthy of praise. Today I will focus on living. I will not let cancer take my life before it takes my breath.

Until next time, I am worrying living Between the Scans.

P.S. Just hours after completing the rough draft of this post, My Chart populated with my scan results:  no new or worsening metastases. I humbly receive His continued gift of healing. I pray that I will steward well the additional time I am given on this Earth.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. 1 John 4:18

Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable– if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things. Philippians 4:6-8