Cringe Words

Defining Boss & Feminism

A writing from my friend Kristal‘ ‘s blog post in January 2024.

I hope you enjoy this post written by my friend Kristal, who is a business owner, wife, mom of three boys, and seminary student. She is one of those people who simply radiate joy. She is kind, but strong. Soft spoken, but firm in her convictions. When I read her post, I thought back to being a young mother., wife, and lawyer. I always felt confident in who I was when I was with family. But, when I was a stay-at-home mom, I felt like my friends who did not take a break from their careers pitied me; when I worked full-time, I felt like the stay-at-homes thought less of me. When I worked part-time, I felt conflicted trying to stay connected to both camps. I intentionally used the word “felt” because I think I was my own worst critic and likely these women weren’t giving much thought at all to my choices.

Anyway, I truly believe that women are made perfectly different from men, not inferior, not superior, just different. This post is not political, just a woman writing from her heart. I hope Kristal’s post both challenges and inspires you.

Happy election season. It’s the hot topic of news headlines and salon conversations. It’s wild to see a female as the last conservative standing in opposition to the former president running for office again. The 2016 presidential election, the 2023 Southern Baptist decision, and current Oscar nominations revealed where the majority views on female leadership are still at. Why are we uncomfortable with women in charge?

The definition of feminism is the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of equality of the sexes according to Oxford Languages. Both males and females were made in the image of God, different but of equal value and agency.

“So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Then God blessed them and said, Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it.” Genesis 1:27-28 NLT

Our grandmothers were influenced by Rosie the Riveter in the 1940s WWII and our mothers by the second wave of feminism in the 1970s. We millennials were raised to complete school and get jobs outside of the home. Double standards are changing but boys are praised for being strong leaders, yet girls are still called a number of B words, including bossy.

My mom worked and my German immigrant grandmother managed to own a local business without ever fully learning to write in English.  I was not raised in church, but the first two communities I experienced as an adult were co-pastored by husband and wife. I styled the female pastor’s hair for women’s conferences and have had the privilege of speaking in these spaces. Representation matters. I’m thankful for their imperfect attempts.

The corporate salon I started in was founded by men and the top paid stylists were men. This is no surprise. Male affirmation is coveted by many women. The salon I transitioned into self-employment was owned by two women. We set our prices. I desired more community and ownership, partnering with a dear friend, and the rest is history. We have been in business for the last decade and survived a pandemic. We lead a team of self-employed women who are compassionate, not competitive and received the kindest compliment from a team member recently who said we are chill and lead by example.

I was greeted with “Boss Lady” and “The Boss” mugs when we opened our salon doors. They made me uneasy because, though I’ve led in various ways throughout my life, the role was new to me and there are negative connotations of female leadership in some circles. I unfortunately broke one cup and the other is still sitting on my home desk used for pens and candle lighters.

I am currently completing my leadership undergraduate degree at an interdenominational seminary. I was the only woman in my first class taught by a Baptist professor, part of the denomination that removed churches last year because they gave women pastor titles. It was intimidating, to say the least. I had 10 historical church figures to choose from for research, and I chose the only female on the list. Theodora was a 6th-century empress, depicted in a famous mosaic in Italy serving communion, was one of the first rulers to recognize women’s rights. Sacraments from women are still not allowed in some denominations. I’m thankful to be part of a faith community that honors women’s giftings and getting to serve our congregation.

Titles are weird. I talk often with my pediatrician friend who rarely uses her doctor title. People introduce me as the owner of my salon, but when asked what I do, I say hair. We want to be humble I guess, but titles bear weight. It is a false humility to self deprecate when your name means the opposite of what our world thinks. True leaders are sacrificial followers, and Jesus, who esteem’s women, is our ultimate example following the will of God. Our church honors women with the title pastor and I’m grateful for the educated example I have, whose position is not based on her marital status.

Maybe where we go wrong is wanting to swing the pendulum in the other direction and elevating only women over men. I finally watched the Barbie movie out of curiosity and had mixed feelings. The cheesy film’s symbolism and role reversals were genius, but it left out females’ desires for motherhood, male companionship, and men’s value. I played with baby dolls and Barbies and Kens as a young girl. The discontinuation of pregnant Barbie and no photos of fathers at the end of the film was interesting. Clearly, I am for women, but not the exclusion of men. I long for a third way. I long for Eden.

While I’m thankful for Barbie’s “You can be anything” tagline, she set impossible beauty standards and didn’t teach me how to be a wife and mom while killing it in my career. Not all women are called to be wives or mothers or work outside the home. Depression Barbies in our digital world is very real.

I’m baffled when women push back at feminism, taking for granted the freedoms we have, but I also kind of get it. It depends on your theology and idea of womanhood. When there is only room for so many token females, perhaps we subconsciously compete for the positions. Have we been taught to accept the broken system rather than courageously rising? I’m grateful for the countless brave women who have gone before me and passed the baton.

We’ve come a long way but have a ways to go. Women have more college degrees than men yet are still receiving less pay. The same is true in the female-dominated beauty industry that is marketed mainly to women. In church well over half of women leaders are not paid, even though they make up over half of the population. Jen Wilken’s recent CT article argues to Honor Thy Church Mothers—with Wages. Men now receive equal paternity leave in WA (which is great), so why the wage gap?

My son recognized the bias in his elementary class when running against a more qualified girl with more boys voting in the class. He considered dropping out and it was a proud mom moment. But then he made a joke that cooking and cleaning is women’s work. His Dad said, “Oh dude, you just earned yourself more chores.”

We are raising 3 sons and pray the future is female and male. I am grateful for my supportive husband and male friends who invest in me and value my insight and perspective. We are meant to complement each other and create together. When my boys ask me if I’m the boss, I’m learning to say yes confidently. We are trying to raise Christ-like feminists.

With hope, Kristal

Resources

Why Not Women?

Two Views of Women in Ministry