UNWORTHY

On a gray, rainy, winter day in the Pacific Northwest, a man is released from prison. He has done his time; he is clean and sober. He waits for his ride, someone from his past. He needs to get home, to the care and love of his mother. He puts his small bag of personal belongings in the back seat. He catches up with his “friend.” And then the friend offers him drugs, just like old times. A celebration: he is free! The man wants to resist. This is the first day of his new life. Then he remembers the comfort, the escape. A voice inside him says he will never be anything. He will never change. This is the only escape from his miserable life. The minute he takes the drugs, he is remorseful. As he feels the effects, he wants to escape, to turn back. But it is too late. And then a voice inside him, louder than the first says “Fight! It is not too late.” He asks the driver to let him out at the first opportunity. He is still a long way from his destination, but he must not so quickly resume his former life. He begins the long walk in the cold rain. He is exhausted, soaked to the bone. He is struggling against the effects of the drugs. But he walks on. He stops at a strip mall and finds shelter under an awning. He is not looking for a handout, just a reprieve from the weather and a rest for his aching body. He closes his eyes, hunches his shoulders, and softly cries out, “God, I know I messed up. I know I don’t deserve your help. I know you have probably given up on me. And maybe I will never change. I am alone. But please, would you give me the strength to walk this road home? Please clear my mind and body of this high. I am nothing, but if I can just get to my mom. Please. Help me.”

On a gray, rainy, winter day in the Pacific Northwest, I am on my way home from a standing early morning appointment. I have missed my usual morning coffee time, so I decide to pull through Starbucks (which you have probably heard, are ubiquitous in this part of the country). I pull into the first one I see only to discover that this Starbucks has no drive-through. The audacity! So, out in the rain I go for my five-dollar Americano. As I walk in, I see a young man, probably in his thirties, standing in front of the store. He is not soliciting for anything, but I have a strong sense that something is off. As I pass by, we lock eyes. And I see a brother. I know he needs help. I continue into the store and contemplate getting him a coffee or something to eat. But something told me food is not what he needs in this moment. I sense the Holy Spirit prompting me and I am scared.

I proceed to my car and look at him, but he is looking down. I get into my car, but as I am backing out of my space, our eyes connect again. I am compelled to help this man. I lower my window, letting the rain come in and shout, “do you need help?” He walks toward my car, and now I am nervous. I ask, “Can I get you a coffee or something to eat? I don’t have any cash (truth), but I can order you something on my app.” He says he couldn’t take my money, it wouldn’t be right, but thanks. I tell him it is no problem, but he declines again. I say, “How can I help you?” Then he proceeds to tell me that he is just resting. He was released from prison that morning and the friend who gave him a ride offered him drugs. He says that he messed up, he took them. Feeling regret, he asked the person to drop him off and he has been walking since. The man tells me he has just stopped here to step out of the rain and rest. I ask him where he is going. He says he just needs to get to his mother, sleep off this high, and try to get his life right. He says his mother lives over by the Super Walmart which is about 3 miles away. Then it hits me…Uber! I ask him if he has the address so I can get him an Uber. He says he knows the address, but there is no way he can accept my help. And he is genuine. This man is broken. He is feeling unworthy, defeated. I tell him I insist. He sheepishly tells me the address and I make the request.

Now, before you judge me for being willing to risk the Uber driver’s safety but not mine, I want you to know that as soon as I got the confirmation, I called the driver and explained the situation, giving her an out. Thankfully, she said it was fine, she was not concerned.

I lower my window again and tell the man that a driver is on the way, and I will wait until she arrives. He starts to tear up, shakes his head and says that he had prayed to God to help him get out of this mess that he was in. He shook his head in disbelief and what I saw in his eyes was “I’m unworthy.” I said, “Well, God told me you needed help, so I think He is pleased.” The driver came and I sat in my car watching my app until I could see he made it to his destination and then I started for home. I felt burdened for this man. His eyes haunted me. Eyes…the windows to the soul.  Unworthy. I wept. I prayed for him. I prayed for the Uber driver. I prayed for the people in Walmart in the event that I have been duped and have just provided a ride to someone with ill-intentions. I realized I didn’t know his name. But God knew his name, heard his prayer, and orchestrated this event long before it transpired.

Unworthy. Aren’t we all? The more I learn about Jesus, the more I know God, and the more I realize how unworthy I am. Jesus. Who else has had such an impact generation after generation?  During the time of Jesus’ ministry, he had many followers, disciples. But only twelve were chosen to lead the ministry. And of these, the one I love to study the most is Peter. Now, if you are a fan of The Chosen series, I bet you just envisioned Shahar Isaacs’s face, didn’t you? And it is no secret he is easy on the eyes. But, trust me, I have always been intrigued with Peter. As a girl of about seven years old, I wrote a poem about Peter walking on the water with Jesus. And the more I study the Bible, the more I understand Jesus’ love because of the way he loved Peter, the way He saw Peter.

To give you the highlights, Peter was a Jewish fisherman. His given name was actually Simon. He was one of the first disciples called to follow Jesus. When we look at Peter’s personality throughout the gospels and New Testament, we can presume he was a bit of a maverick. Whatever he did, he did with gusto! He seemed to be sort of a hothead. He was passionate and not always tolerant. He loved Jesus. He challenged Jesus. He denied he even knew Jesus, three times! But Jesus knew something about Simon that even He didn’t know. Jesus called him “Peter” which means rock because Peter would be the rock on which the Christian movement would be built. Throughout the gospels Peter is the one that usually speaks on behalf of the disciples. Jesus called him to his assignment well before Peter fully understood it. Jesus knew Peter had what it would take to fulfill his purpose. When Jesus rose from the dead, He reestablished Peter as a leader. Peter was probably overcome with guilt and shame that this friend and savior he denied, not only still loved him and forgave him, but redeemed him and believed in him.

Guilt and shame are relentless. They haunt us and taunt us. I wonder how Peter coped with his. The Bible tells us that Peter wept bitterly following his third denial of Jesus. After Jesus rose from the grave, Peter knew Jesus redeemed him and esteemed him. Nonetheless, I imagine there were moments when the voice of doubt crept in. When he was tired, discouraged, or worried. The voice that says “who are you to be teaching about Jesus? You denied that you even knew Him. You are just a fisherman, what do you know about teaching and preaching? You will never be good enough to carry out this assignment. Who will even listen to you?”  I guess Peter was tempted to listen to these lies. But I can also visualize how some of these situations unfolded. I hear Jesus speak in a still, quiet voice. The kind that is soft but noticed because it is different than the noise. Jesus says, “Peter, you were called to this ministry long before you knew it. I called you to be my disciple not because I hoped you wouldn’t mess up, but because I knew you would. And I knew it would make you stronger. When I called you, your name was Simon, but I called you Peter, the rock. I knew who you would become because of me. I knew you were made for this. And you are enough. Because I am enough.” And then Peter feels the power of the Holy Spirit. He is overcome with emotion. He can almost feel Jesus lift his head and look into his eyes, the windows of his soul. And Jesus says, “Go. Stay on mission. Generations will know me and believe me because of you, Simon Peter.”

Each of us has an assignment, things He planned for us long before we were born. He knew you would struggle with guilt and shame. He knew you would have moments of anxiety, depression, illness. He knew circumstances would leave you with trust issues. But He is enough! He sees you, even the parts you hide. And yet, He loves you. All He asks is that you believe in Him. He wants you to live in a way that shows His love, drawing others to him. Your assignment might not be helping a man who was just released from prison, but you might be the willing Uber driver! You could be called to show compassion to a coworker that others avoid. Or maybe you should just get to know your neighbors, build relationships. It won’t be long before they want to know the source of your hope. I am not talking about being good. I am talking about being real. Being authentic and vulnerable and showing how God has shown up during your loneliness or struggles. And if you have not fully committed to Jesus, your assignment right now is just to believe. He knows who you are created to be and loves you the way you are. And, when you breathe your last breath, He will help you exhale for the last time and immediately welcome you to His kingdom, leaving all your shortcomings and pain behind, because His death was enough.

Friends, this is the Good News! As Holy Week concludes we already know Resurrection Sunday is coming. We already know how the story turns out. Let’s celebrate the Risen King. The One who was and is enough.

Hallelujah! Halleluiah! Christ is risen! He is risen Indeed!

Until next time, I am living Between the Scans.