Why Me?

Why Me?

If you live long enough, there will come a day when you ask, “Why me?” Or maybe “Why my child?” “My mother?”  “My marriage?” “My business?” “Why…?” And usually, there are no good answers.

When I received that first terrible phone call from my doctor, the one of too many which start “I am so sorry, but…” I was confused. How did this happen? Yes, I knew I was high risk, but melanoma if caught early, can be very treatable. I had been religious about my twice-yearly screenings, had followed a monthly self-exam regimen, and had made appointments in between screenings when something didn’t look quite right. I knew my risk and had put myself in the best position to catch any type of skin cancer early.

After the first two surgeries, one to remove the melanoma and a skin graft to replace what was taken, I decided not to ask the hard questions, because it looked like I was lucky, in the clear. However, six months later, when my staging/prognosis drastically changed, I found myself needing to know how in the world this happened. I began reviewing my medical records pertaining to the original melanoma site. This one site had been biopsied three times over the previous 3 years. Biopsy results from 2013: benign; 2015: benign; and finally, the dreaded diagnosis in 2016: melanoma, the deadliest of skin cancers.

In the midst of searching for answers to how I found myself in this predicament, I had to deal with being where I was. I had unwillingly entered the world of oncology where I knew next to nothing. I read everything I could find about the latest developments in immunotherapy, clinical trials, and statistics. I also wanted a second opinion, so I traveled to a well-known cancer center. Being seen there required a complete independent review of all my records, including the melanoma biopsy slides. The cancer center’s independent conclusions regarding the previous melanoma biopsies sickened me:  2013 melanoma; and 2015 melanoma.

How was this missed? How could this be happening? Why me? It is bad enough to have cancer, but to know that my story should have been different is altogether something else. I needed more information and there was only to way to get it. I had seen first-hand the negative implications of litigation. I had seen people become angrier and ultimately bitter through the process. It is very exposing, and I am a very private person. I spent time fervently praying about my decision and ultimately felt lead to seek justice. I had to know if something was amiss. After engaging two experts, one from the west coast and one from the east (Harvard, no less), I knew what I both wanted to know and dreaded knowing:  from the beginning, melanoma, and what had gone wrong, in their expert opinions, was human error.

I am legally bound not to go any further with the details. And, really, the details are not germane to this post. The focus of this post is, how do you handle why me situations? How do you reconcile unfairness with a loving God? I knew HOW I ended up fighting for my life, but I struggled with the WHY? Why would God allow someone else’s mistake to cost me so dearly? Why me? I know He loves me, created me, hears me, goes before me, wait, goes before me? If He goes before me, why didn’t He prevent this error from happening? If He speaks to me, why didn’t He nudge me to press harder to find out why this little bump wouldn’t completely heal? Why would He allow this to happen to a child of His…one who loves Him? This is a mystery to me and will likely remain so as long as I am on this planet.

Litigation, as I knew, probably caused more anger than necessary. There were times when I was absolutely blind with rage. My head would tell me that lawyers were posturing and doing the best for their clients. But my heart hurt because I just couldn’t imagine why a decent human wouldn’t want to acknowledge the mistake and let me move on with the time I have? Finally, the opportunity came to resolve the matter, but all good legal settlements specifically deny wrongdoing. I paused. I wanted that acknowledgment and if that was not forthcoming, maybe it was more important to tell my story. I wrestled with what to do, especially considering I was in the middle of another recurrence when the offer was presented. I was so conflicted. I didn’t need the additional stress of litigation. I needed closure, but would resolving the matter give me closure? I searched deep in my soul, prayed, and asked for guidance. I pondered one of my favorite Bible verses, Micah 6:8, which not only instructs us to act with justice, but also to love mercy and walk humbly with the Lord. Not act with justice period. Not act with justice or love mercy. But all of it. God reminded me of His grace that covers me and my mistakes. How He covered every one of my blunders, poor choices, failures to act. I was reminded of Jesus who came down from heaven fully God yet appearing as man. Who, Himself asked God to deliver Him from the pain and suffering He would ultimately endure, but who submitted to the Lord’s will not His own. Who was I not to extend mercy? So, I decided to resolve and forgive. I decided there would be a different story to tell. One more important than telling how I felt wronged; one that glorifies the One who provides my every breath.  There was no intentional wrongdoing. Mistakes happen. I am certainly not the first to fall victim to mistakes.

It is not easy to reconcile a loving God with tragedy, but a fundamental element of faith in the sovereign God is that He has made a way for eternal life without suffering, tears, worry, confusion, injustice. We were created to be eternal beings; we were never meant to live outside the beautiful Garden of Eden. But mistakes were made and here we are passing through. This earthly life is our time to get to know Him, to learn to trust Him, to learn how to love Him. The Bible is replete with stories of pain and suffering. But it also speaks of the One who sees it all, weeps with us, desires relationship with us, and promises us a hope and a future. His very character, the essence of His being is good. Even when life isn’t good, He is.  He already knows how my story on this earth ends, and more importantly, He has prepared a place in eternity for me. I know He loves me, sees me, never leaves me. I don’t know why He has allowed this to happen to me. But He has revealed His presence to me, through people, through his word, through peace in the midst of chaos–sometimes in ways that could only be the mark of a higher power, a sovereign God. I hope to share some of those stories with you in the future.

For non-committed believers, my perspective may seem strange. You may doubt that there is a sovereign, loving God because terrible atrocities happen on this earth every day to people who are just living their lives the best they can. I understand your doubt. I would be lying if I said every now and then I don’t have a moment of panic when I wonder if God is real, and more importantly, is eternal life real? For me, these are, thankfully, just moments, but many go through seasons of doubt. Most believers will tell you that this is normal. I cannot fully explain how I know He is real, but I know this: it is a bigger stretch for me to believe that the world just happened through a series of events, than it is to believe a higher power designed it all. And if I believe there was such supreme intentionality, I can believe in a loving God who gave us life. And if I believe in a God who designed all of this and gave us life, I can believe this time on earth is just the beginning.

Some of you have experienced tough circumstances in life, some so sorrowful and painful I cannot even imagine. My heart goes out to you. If you are in a “why me” moment or still processing such a time, give God a shout. You can approach Him as yourself, in everyday words. Just talk to Him. If you don’t know Him at all or only know Him from a distance, reach out to Him, tell Him you are not sure He is really there, but you are willing to give it a try. Maybe you believe He is there, but you think He has bigger things to deal with. Just be yourself. He sees you. He knows you. He will meet you right where you are. And remember, He is a God who is not bound by time. He may not provide same-day-delivery of an answer to your problems and questions, but His timing is always perfect. Keep reaching out, He is there.

Until next time, I am living Between the Scans.